Book the Fifth and a Half: The Carmelita Comedy
by jonnyboy17
Summary: If you love Carmy comedies, read this! PG for brief crack and highness references, and some disturbing rude humor.
1. Default Chapter

**This is a comedy on Carmelita after she gets suspended. I hope you enjoy it, I have! Rated: PG-for brief crack and highness references, and some disturbing rude humor.**

Carmelita Spats was furious. Vice Principal Nero had suspended her for starting a cafeteria-wide food fight.

"Carmelita, this is a capital offense!" he yelled, strumming his violin with a toothpick.

"This school isn't in the capital of the country, you gluesniffer!" Carmelita cried. "It's in Philadelphia!"

"_It's in Philadelphia_," Nero mimicked. "Go sniff your own glue, you little fool! A capital offense is very important! You are suspended!"

"I'm not a fool!" Carmelita cried. "I'm the prettiest girl in the world!"

"_I'm the prettiest girl in the world_," VP Nero mimicked, pointing his violin stick-thingy at her.

"You're a girl?" Carmy asked. "I didn't know that. Actually, I was a bit suspicious when I first saw your pigtails."

"_Actually, I was a bit suspicious when I first saw your pigtails_," Nero mimicked. "Pigtails are in! My good friend Esmeralda Squalor said so!"

"_Pigtails are in! My good friend Esmeralda Squalor said so!_" Carmelita mimicked.

"Don't mimic me!" Nero commanded her. "Mimicking is very rude. Only jerky-hosed gluesniffing crackpots mimic."

"Takes one to know one!" Carmy shot back.

"_Takes one to know one!_" Nero mimicked. "Get out of my office right now! Your silverware is immediately removed from your permission tomorrow at breakfast!"

"_You_ called me down here, you piesniffer!" Carmelita cried.

"OUT!" VP Nero roared.

Duncan, Violet, Klaus, and Isadora were waiting outside.

Duncan had a strand of spaghetti in his hair. "Carmelita's hosed," he laughed. "Good luck in suspension!"

"Good luck in the nose-hospital," Carmy said, whipping out a thick pepper-cream pie and mashing it in Duncan's face.

Klaus licked some chocolate ice cream off his shirt. Isadora shoved Carmelita down. "You mess with one of us, you mess with all of us," she said.

Carmelita slipped on a banana and fell on her head. She screamed.

"Poor wittle baby," Violet taunted. Carmelita shrieked, "I'm not a baby! I'm the prettiest girl in the world!"

"I'll show you pretty," Duncan said, wiping his face off. He spread the pepper cream all over her face.

"I hate you!" Carmelita screamed.

Nero bumbled out of his office.

Violet, Duncan, Isadora, and Klaus quickly hid from view.

"Carmelita! Get to the suspension room NOW!" VP Nero roared. "Before I doubly expel you!"

"It's not my fault!" Carmelita cried. "The other kids-"

"Everyone else is in class, you cementsniffer!" With that, he waddled back into his office and slammed the door shut.

Carmelita flung it open, stuck her head inside the door way, and yelled, "At least I don't go home and jump into the shower, singing 'Grandma Got Run Over By a Reindeer' while scrubbing my butt!"

Nero hustled over to the doorway. "How do you know I do that?" he asked.

"I have you micro-chipped with a camera sensor," she said.

"Get out of here," he snapped.

"Ah, go watch Child's Play and play with your Jennifer Garner doll," Carmy snapped.

"I said, get out of here!"

"Go kiss Chucky's knife blade," she mumbled.

"What did you just say, you little rat?"

"Uh, don't want to miss Bucky's wife's braiding, do you?" she asked.

"That's my favorite show!" Nero clapped heartily.

"Go watch it!" she urged.

"I can't, I don't have a TV," he pouted.

"How do you watch it?" she asked.

"I don't. I record it on the radio and try to visualize how the setting looks."

Carmelita rolled her eyes and went to suspension.


	2. A Philosopher once said, Detention is He...

**Author's Note:**

**I just don't know, you guys. If you've seen my FFN page, then you know that the rest of my stories are on hiatus. Also, it's idiots like Anonymous Eccentric that keep annoying me. Also Anonymous, if you're reading this, let me ask you a question: if you're just going to criticize my stories in a mean way, why review? Also, notice once you review one of my stories and I tell you to back off, you don't review that same story again. What's up with that? Are you too scared to try to come back and submit another review again for the same story? What's the matter, cat got your tongue? Or, you don't believe in submitting two reviews for one story. **

**But I can't just beat up on Anonymous Eccentric all chapter long. I suppose I can make a small exception to make another chapter, but just this once. Until I'm done with Quigley's Quest, no more chapters for this or another story. So here it is.**

In detention, it was filthy. Dried spitballs hung from the ceilings, and some kids were even chained to their desks.

One boy with brown hair smiled at Carmelita. "Hey," he said.

She ignored him and started to draw a picture of VP Nero chained to a wall while the National Dodge-Ball Team hurled dodge-balls at him. He screamed mercilessly.

"Nice picture," he said, peering over her shoulder. She elbowed him in the face.

"Ow!" he said, getting a tissue for his bloody nose. "Whaddya do that for?" "Leave me alone, pot-licker," she said.

The detention teacher glared at Carmelita Spats. "Carmelita Jacqueline Spats!" he cried. "No name-calling."

"_No name-calling," _she mumbled. Then she continued her raw sketch.

The boy took her drawing and stared at it. "Give me that back, four-eyes!" she cried. "What's the magic words?" he asked sassily.

"'Black eye' if you don't give me that back!" she said, whipping it out of his hands.

When she finally got a good look at the detention room, human skeletons were still chained to seats, kids who were given millions of write offs had no hands, and a Lebanese leather whip was on the detention teacher's table.

All of a sudden, the detention teacher, Mr. Morris, yelled, "Mort, up here! _Now!"_

Everyone gasped. Mort, a short boy with shaggy brown hair and a faded green shirt stepped up to Mr. Morris's desk.

He took Mort's hands and chained them to a wall. "What's happening?" Carmelita asked a girl with a headgear.

"See that whip on the teacher's desk?" asked the girl, rubbing her retainer.

"No…" Carmelita was stunned. "Yes," the girl said.

Mr. Morris took the whip and whipped Mort several times, until the shirt was torn and bloody.

Mort was unconscious.

Mr. Morris washed his hands and said, "Well, he deserved it."

"That's child abuse!" Carmelita cried, standing up. "You could be sent to prison! What kind of idiots does VP Nero have hired on staff, anyway?"

"Write-offs!" he yelled. Carmelita was forced to do write-offs until her hands were sore and her fingers swollen.

"Class dismissed," he finally said at three fifteen.


End file.
